Sasquatch Sized Steps

I took a HUGE step today! I mean HUGE!

I went to my doctor and actually discussed my alcohol problem with her. She was amazing! She told me some stuff that I already knew, but gave me a few suggestions that might help and took some blood work to check liver function etc. She was so supportive and thought it was awesome that I recognize it and that I’m getting help. She was so encouraging. When I went in, I was nervous that there would be judgement. When I left I felt such a relief that she understood and took the time to really talk with me not to me. I thanked her for the support with tears in my eyes. Her view on it is that it’s just like being addicted to sugar, caffeine or eating and that it’s really unfortunate that alcohol problems have such a stigma attached.

Advertisements

So Many Random Thoughts!

So, I haven’t posted in a long time it seems. I’ve been pretty lost…just lost. Drinking pretty much every night. Feeling like crap during the day. I’m going to attempt not to to be too wordy because I have no patience to read wordy posts.

At work, I’ve been obcessing with podcasts. So many of them…nearly all about quitting drinking. I’ve also been listening to Yahoo videos about drinking particularly the Sinclair Method.

For those who have never heard of it, it entails taking the medicine Naltrexone at least an hour before you plan on drinking. Then you drink as you normally would. Over a period of months of doing this you eventually lose interest in alcohol making it so you either don’t drink at all or end up being able to drink like a “normal” person. You supposedly get to a point where you can just take it or leave it…but only if you take a Naltrexone at least an hour before you drink. You don’t take any medicine if you don’t plan on drinking.

I started watching/ listening to many videos on YouTube about it and was desperately intrigued. I called my doctor on a whim and asked for a prescription to my surprise she gave me one even without coming to see her first…of course, I’ll be seeing her next week. She doesn’t know anything about the Sinclair Method, so I got on the Cthree website which it the official Sinclair Method site. I found an expert on the method in my state so I called her to discuss the details. She gave me some good advise.

In a nutshell the Naltrexone mkes me feel like shit, but so does drinking. I’m having trouble believing in the process because it does make me feel shitty. It makes me jittery, forgetful, bloated, nauseous, flat and numb all day. Although, I have had a few days where I just have little interest in drinking and only have one of two. I hate this. All of it! After trying for over a year I’ve become desperate…and fat…and tired…and lazy…and numb.

When my family and I we’re on vacation at the lake a week or so ago, my husband had a couple of beers and asked why I wasn’t drinking…all I said was that I will later…and I did. He wants me to be his drinking partner, but then gets irritated if I get drunk and he isn’t. He also wants me to get high. He doesn’t smoke pot. I guess it seems like when I’m intoxicated in one way or another he perceives that it’s the only time I appear happy.

The reality is that I haven’t been truly happy in ten years. I’m so fucking bored! I have so much shit to do, but I’m BORED! We used to go out and do fun things with the kids. Now that they’re older we don’t do anything! Even when we went to the Virgin Islands about a year and a half ago, I was having fun but was brought down by the fact that the hubs said that he was just going along with it…he wanted to party and I wanted to have adventure and snorkel. I don’t think I’ve relaxed since the last day when I was snorkeling alone way out in the beautiful blue water.

I’m afraid to go to my doctor. I’m afraid she will be judging me.

Ugh! I want to scream and cry and punch something! I need some meaning in my life! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!!!!!?

Listen to your body.

Today at work, I was listening to a podcast called “Take a Break from Drinking”. It specifically states that this podcast is not for alcoholics but for people who think they need to rethink their drinking habits.

Quite honestly, I have yet to relate to any alcoholic podcasts or many websites. What I seem to relate to are sites that are more positive and go for your dreams, get shit done ect. So I gave this one a listen. I’ve only listened to one podcas on this site, but it was good. It in a nutshell it said that you should listen to what your body is telling you. lt mentioned your tense shoulders, gritting your teeth at night, not feeling right, not sleeping soundly..sound familiar?

My body is currently telling me that I’m an asshole who is abusing it and has been for way too long. My kidneys/ sides hurt, I’m out of breath, overweight for my body shape and size, brain foggy and generally feel like crap. Currently there is no more liquor in the house that I will drink…I drank what we had that I like.

That’s the best advise I’ve read/ heard in awhile. I’m listening…

June

Well, I made it through most of last week without drinking. The husband and oldest son were on a guy trip with some of the husband’s friends. I figured this was a good time to quit again since my husband wouldn’t be home to influence me. It was great! I took the week off of work. I was present and sober to pick up my younger son at friends houses at 10:30 at night a couple of nights. I worked out, rode my bike, cleaned, worked on my hobby, slept awesomely and generally got shit done!

Strangely, two nights before they were due back, I drank some wine…then a little more the next night, and the next night and the next night. Not tonight though. I realize why I don’t want to drink. I want to be able to do those things that I was able to do last week. I want to feel good. I wouldn’t have been able to do those things if I were drinking.

Who’s Your Support?

I would like to know who your support is. Is it your friends? Is it your partner or spouse? Is it rehab? Is it AA? Is it an online group? It is a therapist?

Is it possible to quit without any support from your partner? I’m not talking asking them to quit too…just support.

Please comment! I really need help with this!

Mrs. D.

I Want to Be a Quitter

Really want to quit my job. When I started this job I was filling in for someone during her maternity leave. After she came back I continue working part time a couple of days a week while my kids were at school. I used to go in, do my work and leave. I was happy also not drinking helped.

Now the kids are much older and have started working basically full time…well sort of I still only work four days a week. My job is flexible. I can take off whenever I need to for stuff like taking the kids to the orthodontist or vacation. Now, I’m one of the “team” at work and I hate it! I love the people I work with in my office, but I hate working with the priveleged “volunteers” that “run” the company. I work for a non-profit company. Now I deal with all kinds of stupid bullshit from people who are used to being catered to. The only people I cater to is my family and friends because I care about them. I didn’t mention that my BFF’s husband is my boss so I don’t want to disappoint him either. I find that everything in my life is a mess now…literally! My house is a filthy hole right now, I can’t seem to keep upI have no doubt that drinking has a huge impact on my housekeeping role.

I also sell some of the things that I make as a hobby and am starting to make a little niche for it. Unfortunately, I dont think I can keep making things or promote what I’m making and do all of the other stuff as well. Honestly my hobby (and my kids) are the only things keeping me sane right now. I have so many creative ideas running through my head and I can’t bring them to fruition.

I’ve been tempted so many times to put in my notice, I know that my boss would totally understand and support my decision. The only things that are stopping me are that I make decent money and the hubs doesn’t want me to quit. So the real questions are: Am I having a “midlife crisis” or is it time to say fuck it and take a chance to do something for me? Or should I stick it out and deal with it?