Listen to your body.

Today at work, I was listening to a podcast called “Take a Break from Drinking”. It specifically states that this podcast is not for alcoholics but for people who think they need to rethink their drinking habits.

Quite honestly, I have yet to relate to any alcoholic podcasts or many websites. What I seem to relate to are sites that are more positive and go for your dreams, get shit done ect. So I gave this one a listen. I’ve only listened to one podcas on this site, but it was good. It in a nutshell it said that you should listen to what your body is telling you. lt mentioned your tense shoulders, gritting your teeth at night, not feeling right, not sleeping soundly..sound familiar?

My body is currently telling me that I’m an asshole who is abusing it and has been for way too long. My kidneys/ sides hurt, I’m out of breath, overweight for my body shape and size, brain foggy and generally feel like crap. Currently there is no more liquor in the house that I will drink…I drank what we had that I like.

That’s the best advise I’ve read/ heard in awhile. I’m listening…

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June

Well, I made it through most of last week without drinking. The husband and oldest son were on a guy trip with some of the husband’s friends. I figured this was a good time to quit again since my husband wouldn’t be home to influence me. It was great! I took the week off of work. I was present and sober to pick up my younger son at friends houses at 10:30 at night a couple of nights. I worked out, rode my bike, cleaned, worked on my hobby, slept awesomely and generally got shit done!

Strangely, two nights before they were due back, I drank some wine…then a little more the next night, and the next night and the next night. Not tonight though. I realize why I don’t want to drink. I want to be able to do those things that I was able to do last week. I want to feel good. I wouldn’t have been able to do those things if I were drinking.

Who’s Your Support?

I would like to know who your support is. Is it your friends? Is it your partner or spouse? Is it rehab? Is it AA? Is it an online group? It is a therapist?

Is it possible to quit without any support from your partner? I’m not talking asking them to quit too…just support.

Please comment! I really need help with this!

Mrs. D.

I Want to Be a Quitter

Really want to quit my job. When I started this job I was filling in for someone during her maternity leave. After she came back I continue working part time a couple of days a week while my kids were at school. I used to go in, do my work and leave. I was happy also not drinking helped.

Now the kids are much older and have started working basically full time…well sort of I still only work four days a week. My job is flexible. I can take off whenever I need to for stuff like taking the kids to the orthodontist or vacation. Now, I’m one of the “team” at work and I hate it! I love the people I work with in my office, but I hate working with the priveleged “volunteers” that “run” the company. I work for a non-profit company. Now I deal with all kinds of stupid bullshit from people who are used to being catered to. The only people I cater to is my family and friends because I care about them. I didn’t mention that my BFF’s husband is my boss so I don’t want to disappoint him either. I find that everything in my life is a mess now…literally! My house is a filthy hole right now, I can’t seem to keep upI have no doubt that drinking has a huge impact on my housekeeping role.

I also sell some of the things that I make as a hobby and am starting to make a little niche for it. Unfortunately, I dont think I can keep making things or promote what I’m making and do all of the other stuff as well. Honestly my hobby (and my kids) are the only things keeping me sane right now. I have so many creative ideas running through my head and I can’t bring them to fruition.

I’ve been tempted so many times to put in my notice, I know that my boss would totally understand and support my decision. The only things that are stopping me are that I make decent money and the hubs doesn’t want me to quit. So the real questions are: Am I having a “midlife crisis” or is it time to say fuck it and take a chance to do something for me? Or should I stick it out and deal with it?

It’s Just too Hard

Yesterday at work I literally listened to YouTube videos from Alcohol Mastery all day, while working of course. He’s got some amazing advise and down to earth views.

There are three things that really stuck in my head (not that much gets through the brain fog)…They are that being a drunk is just too fucking hard. The hiding of how much I drink, being secluded, not doing what I want to do and need to do because I’m hungover or have zero motivation, not parenting the way I should, my house is filthy. The actions are easy, but the repercussions are way too hard and thinking about how I’ve fucked up for so long is exhausting! It’s easier to be a non-drinker. Work is easier, you’re more productive, exercise is easier, communication is easier, you’re more creative…everything is easier.

The second is that alcohol doesn’t ruin your life…you do. You’re the one pouring that shit down your throat. Nobody is doing it for you.

The third is to live in the moment and start to plan your life. Where do you want to be in five years?

I’ll tell you where I want to be in five years…not here and sure as hell not where I’m currently on my way to.

Is gotta stop…NOW. I want to get off of this crazy train!!

Communication

Personal communication is something that I am trying to learn. I was never taught how to, nor did my parents ever communicate with me. I grew up in a time where parents just pretty much let their kids figure out stuff for themselves. Unfortunately, they didn’t teach me much in the way of communicating my feelings. They kept everything private. They never confronted me even when I smoked pot in my bedroom, came home so drunk that you could smell it, puking in my front yard, even when I drove home drunk. This was in high school and happened every weekend. The most that ever happened is that my boyfriend at the time and I we’re asked by my mom if we wanted coffee? She also did come in my room and open and sniff my perfume bottles and toner to see if it was booze…once. She didn’t bother looking in the bottom drawer of my dresser where I had a 12 pack of beer. I’m sure that they learned to not communicate from their parents and didn’t know how to themselves.

My husband grew up in a family that didn’t communicate either. I believe that is one of the primary reasons he doesn’t understand and I can’t seem to get through to him.

So, here’s how I tried reaching out to him..A couple of weeks ago I laid this note on his pillow…notice the sloppy drunken handwriting?

Then I grabbed it and put it in my purse before he got to bed.

I’ve written so many notes and letters to him handwritten and in word, but I end up tearing them up or stashing them somewhere where he can’t find them. The letters have a lot of why I’m unhappy and drowning myself to cope and some have just been a plea for help. Each one has something different, I don’t want to be too negative or seem like I’m blaming him for my unhappiness, but I want to make it clear that I’m unhappy and why and also make it clear that I without a doubt have a problem. Last night I tearfully wrote another one…that I didn’t give him.

I went to the doctor last week about my stupid headaches, he said that there was most likely nothing neurological, but that my shoulder and neck muscles are unusually tense and probably pulling on my neck causing the headaches…probably caused by stress. I had to laugh. Ironically, since I had a good long cry last night, my head doesn’t hurt for the first time in about two weeks. I went to get a “deep tissue” massage on Friday hoping it would help relieve some of the tension, but it wasn’t a deep tissue massage which made me even more tense because that’s what I really needed. It was just a regular massage. The doc wants me to start physical therapy to help ease the headaches. I’m a little apprehensive as I have a feeling it may be more like exercises than therapeutic massage.

I really need a vacation! I regret not going somewhere warm for spring break. I really need to have a change of scenery from this dull grey cold weather.