Well, It’s been nearly a year and a half since I’ve written anything on this blog. It was because I couldn’t remember my login info. Now, apparently they made it easier to login.
Anyway, 2019 has been my most sober year in about 6 years with over three months of sobriety throughout the year. That may not seem like much, but at least it’s better than no sober days. I’m writing only to be accountable to myself. I’ve been following r/sobriety on Reddit which has been a little helpful. I have to remember to take all comments with a grain of salt. Some people are great and encouraging, some are real downers and seem to like to burst your bubble.
I’m still not sober. I really wish I was. I know the facts. I’ve experienced the shitty days of being hungover and really like the days that I’m not. Everything is so much better sober, but why the fuck can’t I stay there? I started therapy, which was a bust. I went for about 8 weeks total and she cut me loose. I’m convinced that addiction is something she didn’t want to deal with. I contacted another therapist that had addiction as one of her concentrations, but she ghosted me. It makes me sick to my stomach to spend all that money for nothing so I quit trying.
My husband isn’t supportive at all. He still encourages me to drink because it makes me loosen up, I suspect it’s also because he drinks. He’s been drinking a lot more lately. He’s been really stressed with work and drinks almost nightly. Some nights it’s just one others it’s more like three or 4. He agreed to go 30 days without drinking with me, but he lasted 2 days. He wonders why he’s been unmotivated and tired all the time, but I don’t want to be the “See, I told you so” gal. On the other hand, I can see him slowly going down the same road I did and nobody should be as miserable as I have been or as miserable as many of us have been or are. I’ve never admitted it, but there have been a few times when I thought ending my life would be a solution. Then I thought about what it would do to my kids and that thought quickly left my mind.
I never thought of myself as one of those Podcast hosts that are all into mindfulness and all of that shit, but that’s where I am. I get it now. I see it for what it is. I see now that I’ve had a problem practically all of my life. I’m 51 now and I’ve been drinking consistently since I was 14. I did quit for 5 years, not knowingly. Honestly, those were the best years that I’ve had in my life. It’s the only time in my life when I actually had a purpose. No shenanigans for attention or self esteem. My first kid was born and then my second. I was important for the first time in my life without trying. I was loved unconditionally, I could do anything. I was creative and truly experienced real love.
My husband it a very deeply feeling person and I know that he loves me. I really want to write down my struggles from the last several years and give it to him. My fear is that I may not be in love with him. I’ve just coasted. I know that I do love him, he’s a great guy. We get along and work on projects great together. That’s where it ends. We’ve been married for 23 years. Honestly, I’m happiest when he is out of town. God, I feel so bad saying that. I’ve felt this way for years. They say that drinking is a symptom of something else that is wrong in your life.
Seriously, I am so fortunate. Once my first kid was born, I had the amazing experience of being a stay at home mom for 8 glorious years. I had a tribe of friends (a play group where we swapped babysitting some of who I am still in contact with). Now, I have two really good friends that I can share anything with. I’m close with my sister in law, but I know that she would turn on me in a heartbeat if I ever hurt her little brother (my husband) so I keep a filter on what I share. That really sucks as we are so alike and in any other circumstance we would totally be BFFs.
My oldest is in college now and I feel like he is the one that I’ve hurt the most. He’s the only one who has seen me at my lowest. Crying in front of the mirror telling myself how stupid I am and what a miserable piece of shit I am. He had come into my room and told me that I wan’t stupid and gave me a hug. That’s all I can write right now as I am spent.