I Slipped

Well the title says it all…I slipped up this weekend. I went a full 7 days then I slipped. The hubs and I were out to dinner on Friday and we had wine which made me feel really drunk, then I had a drink when we got home.  I also had a couple of drinks last night.  I’m pissed at myself, but Im staying positive. Try, try and try again. I’ve still had more sober nights this past month than in a long time. So here I go again. 

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Six

Day six and still no desire for a booze fix!

Day 4-Moody as Hell

Its day 4 and I still have no desire to drink. I slept for 11 hours last night and have more energy than the last few days. However, starting this afternoon I transformed into a royal bitch from hell. I want to scream and tell everyone to fuck off! I’m trying really hard to be polite to my family who has to live with the ogre that I have become. The only thing that’s keeping me a little sane is listening to Green Day really loud and working on my hobby. I should probably go do some yoga or something.

I think my kidneys and liver may be aching, but I can’t tell for sure because the stuff I googled is fairly vague. The headache I’ve had for three days is gone for now. Yay! The good thing is that I still have zero desire for a drink. Actually the thought of it makes me want to vomit..which is good.

Here’s to another sober day and some peppermint tea!

Mrs. Drunkerly

Happy New Year and Day Three Again

So, a little late for a New Year’s wish, but I hope it’s started off well. 

I’m on day three for the third week in a row. I feel like it’s different this time. I’m still really fucking tired, but with the weekend I’ve been able to sleep a lot. That makes me feel like I’m wasting my free time, but in the long run it’s good. This time I honestly have no desire for a drink. Not one little bit.  Actually the thought of drinking right now makes me queasy. Wierd…really wierd. This is why I feel like things are different this time. 

On Thursday I went to see the new Star Wars  movie with my son and husband. I didn’t eat dinner but was able to squeeze in a couple of strong vodka and diet cokes before we left. Of course I made the hubs drive. By the time we got to the movie theater I was feeling really drunk…stumbling drunk. I wanted to get popcorn but I didn’t want to make a fool of myself standing line to order so we skipped the snack line and went right to the movie. The first half of the movie I felt like I was going to puke then felt better by the time we left. Throughout the movie, I kept looking  for some gum in my purse because I could taste the alcohol, so I figured that others would be able  to smell it. Since I didn’t have any gum on me,  I ate a chocolate exlax that I found so that my breath would smell like chocolate rather than booze. I went right to bed when we got home. When we were going to bed my husband asked me if I had been drinking before the movie and I lied and said no. I think this is the first time he has noticed at least called me out on it. By the way…you may want to wait until the Star Wars movie comes out on rental because it pretty much sucked…even when drunk.

I havent drank since…actually I did try to drink a glass of wine on Friday, but it tasted like shit to me. Wine rarely tastes like shit to me….only when it’s REALLY bad wine.

So there you have it, day three again.

Vanity

Vanity in my case is more like insecurity. All of my life, honestly I thought I was a  “cute” girl. That was the only really confidence that I had. I’ve always been around 5’1″ and 100 pounds, always considered tiny. I was never allowed to give blood because I didn’t weigh enough. These days, I look like shit. Feeling sorry for myself because I’ve brought on a demon…booze.

Actually, booze and I met in Jr. High school as it was called at the time. I think it was 7th grade.  That’s the age of 13… My youngest son is nearly 14. I thank God that he hasn’t tampered with that poison at least not that I know of. Things were different then. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted. It was the 80’s.

I was basically an only child. I have two sisters, but one is 6 years older and the other who I have no contact with is 9 years older.  My mother told me when she was dying from lung cancer that I was the best mistake she ever made. I do believe it: both of my sisters are whackadoodle, although the younger one is the most giving person I’ve ever met. She was licensed as a social worker, so there has been in the past a lot of “how does that make you feel?” conversation that I avoid like the plague. She’s been physically I’ll for many years so I don’t burden her. 

Anyway, back to the vanity thing…I worked at a clothing store from the time that I was 16 until I was 26 or 27. I was always fashionable and experimented clothing and hair. As I came of age, I used my looks and body as a means for confidence. My parents quite honestly paid no attention to me once I past the age of playing with baby dolls.
I swear Im not blaming, just trying to come to some type of realization.

Anyway, since I’ve given up on myself, I weigh as much as I did after I gave birth to each of my boys. WTF? But with bigger thighs and a belly that I’ve NEVER had before. 

My SIL was here for Thanksgiving, even though she’s a tiny bit older than I am, she looks amazing! Her skin is smooth, she has very few wrinkles and I’m a bit jealous. The thing is she rarely drinks. She may have had Botox and / or filler, on occasion, but I feel like I look 10 years older than she does.

I’ve also been taking a close look at ladies that I work with and I feel like I look older, dryer, wrinklier, fatter, flabbier and just worse than they do. Most are a few years younger that I am. 

I have no doubt that it is from the tolls of the last few years of abusing alcohol. I’ve tried many creams, moisturizers etc, but no improvement. 

Needless to say my self esteem is in the toilet and has been for a long time. I look like crap and feel like crap. I know that there is only one solution and that is to quit drinking.

Why the hell can’t I give into vanity now? I have given into it my whole life. 

Apparently alcohol has a stronger hold on me than I thought.

Confession


Well, I messed up this weekend. I wasn’t going to post anything about it, but since this blog is supposed to help me be accountable I thought I better fess up. 

Friday, I ended up buying a bottle of wine. I drank two large glasses and by the time I went to bed, my head was pounding. I took some Ibuprofen but it was still pounding when I woke up. I physically felt like shit all day and had zero energy or motivation. I realized that wine and I just aren’t  compatible any more. 

So what did I do on Saturday? On the way to pick up my son and his friend, I stopped and bought some raspberry vodka. I had a couple of vodka and Sprite zeros after we got home. My reasoning was that I still felt like crap and it made me feel better.  

I do feel guilty mostly because I was feeling so great and proud of myself then I did something  stupid. Yesterday is gone and today is a new day and a new week. A good time to restart.