Huh? Over a year and a half of trying and still not there.

Well, It’s been nearly a year and a half since I’ve written anything on this blog.  It was because I couldn’t remember my login info.  Now, apparently they made it easier to login.

Anyway, 2019 has been my most sober year in about 6 years with over three months of sobriety throughout the year.  That may not seem like much, but at least it’s better than no sober days.  I’m writing only to be accountable to myself.  I’ve been following r/sobriety on Reddit which has been a little helpful.  I have to remember to take all comments with a grain of salt.  Some people are great and encouraging, some are real downers and seem to like to burst your bubble.

I’m still not sober.  I really wish I was.  I know the facts.  I’ve experienced the shitty days of being hungover and really like the days that I’m not.  Everything is so much better sober, but why the fuck can’t I stay there?  I started therapy, which was a bust.  I went for about 8 weeks total and she cut me loose.  I’m convinced that addiction is something she didn’t want to deal with.  I contacted another therapist that had addiction as one of her concentrations, but she ghosted me.  It makes me sick to my stomach to spend all that money for nothing so I quit trying.

My husband isn’t supportive at all.  He still encourages me to drink because it makes me loosen up, I suspect it’s also because he drinks.  He’s been drinking a lot more lately.  He’s been really stressed with work and drinks almost nightly.  Some nights it’s just one others it’s more like three or 4.   He agreed to go 30 days without drinking with me, but he lasted 2 days.  He wonders why he’s been unmotivated and tired all the time, but I don’t want to be the “See, I told you so” gal.  On the other hand, I can see him slowly going down the same road I did and nobody should be as miserable as I have been or as miserable as many of us have been or are.  I’ve never admitted it, but there have been a few times when I thought ending my life would be a solution.  Then I thought about what it would do to my kids and that thought quickly left my mind.

I never thought of myself as one of those Podcast hosts that are all into mindfulness and all of that shit, but that’s where I am.  I get it now.  I see it for what it is.  I see now that I’ve had a problem practically all of my life.  I’m 51 now and I’ve been drinking consistently since I was 14.  I did quit for 5 years, not knowingly.  Honestly, those were the best years that I’ve had in my life.  It’s the only time in my life when I actually had a purpose.  No shenanigans for attention or self esteem.  My first kid was born and then my second.  I was important for the first time in my life without trying.  I was loved unconditionally, I could do anything.  I was creative and truly experienced real love.

My husband it a very deeply feeling person and I know that he loves me.  I really want to write down my struggles from the last several years and give it to him.  My fear is that I may not be in love with him.  I’ve just coasted.  I know that I do love him, he’s a great guy.  We get along and work on projects great together.  That’s where it ends. We’ve been married for 23 years.  Honestly, I’m happiest when he is out of town.  God, I feel so bad saying that.  I’ve felt this way for years.  They say that drinking is a symptom of something else that is wrong in your life.

Seriously, I am so fortunate.  Once my first kid was born, I had the amazing experience of being a stay at home mom for 8 glorious years. I had a tribe of friends (a play group where we swapped babysitting some of who I am still in contact with).  Now, I have two really good friends that I can share anything with.  I’m close with my sister in law, but I know that she would turn on me in a heartbeat if I ever hurt her little brother (my husband) so I keep a filter on what I share.  That really sucks as we are so alike and in any other circumstance we would totally be BFFs.

My oldest is in college now and I feel like he is the one that I’ve hurt the most.  He’s the only one who has seen me at my lowest.  Crying in front of the mirror telling myself how stupid I am and what a miserable piece of shit I am.  He had come into my room and told me that I wan’t stupid and gave me a hug.  That’s all I can write right now as I am spent.

More later.

Sasquatch Sized Steps

I took a HUGE step today! I mean HUGE!

I went to my doctor and actually discussed my alcohol problem with her. She was amazing! She told me some stuff that I already knew, but gave me a few suggestions that might help and took some blood work to check liver function etc. She was so supportive and thought it was awesome that I recognize it and that I’m getting help. She was so encouraging. When I went in, I was nervous that there would be judgement. When I left I felt such a relief that she understood and took the time to really talk with me not to me. I thanked her for the support with tears in my eyes. Her view on it is that it’s just like being addicted to sugar, caffeine or eating and that it’s really unfortunate that alcohol problems have such a stigma attached.

So Many Random Thoughts!

So, I haven’t posted in a long time it seems. I’ve been pretty lost…just lost. Drinking pretty much every night. Feeling like crap during the day. I’m going to attempt not to to be too wordy because I have no patience to read wordy posts.

At work, I’ve been obcessing with podcasts. So many of them…nearly all about quitting drinking. I’ve also been listening to Yahoo videos about drinking particularly the Sinclair Method.

For those who have never heard of it, it entails taking the medicine Naltrexone at least an hour before you plan on drinking. Then you drink as you normally would. Over a period of months of doing this you eventually lose interest in alcohol making it so you either don’t drink at all or end up being able to drink like a “normal” person. You supposedly get to a point where you can just take it or leave it…but only if you take a Naltrexone at least an hour before you drink. You don’t take any medicine if you don’t plan on drinking.

I started watching/ listening to many videos on YouTube about it and was desperately intrigued. I called my doctor on a whim and asked for a prescription to my surprise she gave me one even without coming to see her first…of course, I’ll be seeing her next week. She doesn’t know anything about the Sinclair Method, so I got on the Cthree website which it the official Sinclair Method site. I found an expert on the method in my state so I called her to discuss the details. She gave me some good advise.

In a nutshell the Naltrexone mkes me feel like shit, but so does drinking. I’m having trouble believing in the process because it does make me feel shitty. It makes me jittery, forgetful, bloated, nauseous, flat and numb all day. Although, I have had a few days where I just have little interest in drinking and only have one of two. I hate this. All of it! After trying for over a year I’ve become desperate…and fat…and tired…and lazy…and numb.

When my family and I we’re on vacation at the lake a week or so ago, my husband had a couple of beers and asked why I wasn’t drinking…all I said was that I will later…and I did. He wants me to be his drinking partner, but then gets irritated if I get drunk and he isn’t. He also wants me to get high. He doesn’t smoke pot. I guess it seems like when I’m intoxicated in one way or another he perceives that it’s the only time I appear happy.

The reality is that I haven’t been truly happy in ten years. I’m so fucking bored! I have so much shit to do, but I’m BORED! We used to go out and do fun things with the kids. Now that they’re older we don’t do anything! Even when we went to the Virgin Islands about a year and a half ago, I was having fun but was brought down by the fact that the hubs said that he was just going along with it…he wanted to party and I wanted to have adventure and snorkel. I don’t think I’ve relaxed since the last day when I was snorkeling alone way out in the beautiful blue water.

I’m afraid to go to my doctor. I’m afraid she will be judging me.

Ugh! I want to scream and cry and punch something! I need some meaning in my life! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!!!!!?

Listen to your body.

Today at work, I was listening to a podcast called “Take a Break from Drinking”. It specifically states that this podcast is not for alcoholics but for people who think they need to rethink their drinking habits.

Quite honestly, I have yet to relate to any alcoholic podcasts or many websites. What I seem to relate to are sites that are more positive and go for your dreams, get shit done ect. So I gave this one a listen. I’ve only listened to one podcas on this site, but it was good. It in a nutshell it said that you should listen to what your body is telling you. lt mentioned your tense shoulders, gritting your teeth at night, not feeling right, not sleeping soundly..sound familiar?

My body is currently telling me that I’m an asshole who is abusing it and has been for way too long. My kidneys/ sides hurt, I’m out of breath, overweight for my body shape and size, brain foggy and generally feel like crap. Currently there is no more liquor in the house that I will drink…I drank what we had that I like.

That’s the best advise I’ve read/ heard in awhile. I’m listening…

June

Well, I made it through most of last week without drinking. The husband and oldest son were on a guy trip with some of the husband’s friends. I figured this was a good time to quit again since my husband wouldn’t be home to influence me. It was great! I took the week off of work. I was present and sober to pick up my younger son at friends houses at 10:30 at night a couple of nights. I worked out, rode my bike, cleaned, worked on my hobby, slept awesomely and generally got shit done!

Strangely, two nights before they were due back, I drank some wine…then a little more the next night, and the next night and the next night. Not tonight though. I realize why I don’t want to drink. I want to be able to do those things that I was able to do last week. I want to feel good. I wouldn’t have been able to do those things if I were drinking.

Who’s Your Support?

I would like to know who your support is. Is it your friends? Is it your partner or spouse? Is it rehab? Is it AA? Is it an online group? It is a therapist?

Is it possible to quit without any support from your partner? I’m not talking asking them to quit too…just support.

Please comment! I really need help with this!

Mrs. D.