So, I haven’t posted in a long time it seems. I’ve been pretty lost…just lost. Drinking pretty much every night. Feeling like crap during the day. I’m going to attempt not to to be too wordy because I have no patience to read wordy posts.
At work, I’ve been obcessing with podcasts. So many of them…nearly all about quitting drinking. I’ve also been listening to Yahoo videos about drinking particularly the Sinclair Method.
For those who have never heard of it, it entails taking the medicine Naltrexone at least an hour before you plan on drinking. Then you drink as you normally would. Over a period of months of doing this you eventually lose interest in alcohol making it so you either don’t drink at all or end up being able to drink like a “normal” person. You supposedly get to a point where you can just take it or leave it…but only if you take a Naltrexone at least an hour before you drink. You don’t take any medicine if you don’t plan on drinking.
I started watching/ listening to many videos on YouTube about it and was desperately intrigued. I called my doctor on a whim and asked for a prescription to my surprise she gave me one even without coming to see her first…of course, I’ll be seeing her next week. She doesn’t know anything about the Sinclair Method, so I got on the Cthree website which it the official Sinclair Method site. I found an expert on the method in my state so I called her to discuss the details. She gave me some good advise.
In a nutshell the Naltrexone mkes me feel like shit, but so does drinking. I’m having trouble believing in the process because it does make me feel shitty. It makes me jittery, forgetful, bloated, nauseous, flat and numb all day. Although, I have had a few days where I just have little interest in drinking and only have one of two. I hate this. All of it! After trying for over a year I’ve become desperate…and fat…and tired…and lazy…and numb.
When my family and I we’re on vacation at the lake a week or so ago, my husband had a couple of beers and asked why I wasn’t drinking…all I said was that I will later…and I did. He wants me to be his drinking partner, but then gets irritated if I get drunk and he isn’t. He also wants me to get high. He doesn’t smoke pot. I guess it seems like when I’m intoxicated in one way or another he perceives that it’s the only time I appear happy.
The reality is that I haven’t been truly happy in ten years. I’m so fucking bored! I have so much shit to do, but I’m BORED! We used to go out and do fun things with the kids. Now that they’re older we don’t do anything! Even when we went to the Virgin Islands about a year and a half ago, I was having fun but was brought down by the fact that the hubs said that he was just going along with it…he wanted to party and I wanted to have adventure and snorkel. I don’t think I’ve relaxed since the last day when I was snorkeling alone way out in the beautiful blue water.
I’m afraid to go to my doctor. I’m afraid she will be judging me.
Ugh! I want to scream and cry and punch something! I need some meaning in my life! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!!!!!?